Key things to know
- Challenging behaviour is often a sign of stress
Autistic children may show behaviours that seem challenging when they feel overwhelmed, unsafe, or misunderstood. This could be due to sensory overload, social pressure, emotional distress, or fear of change or unpredictability.
- Start learning about autism early
You don’t need to wait for a diagnosis to begin learning. Understanding autism and trying out strategies that reduce stress and build on strengths can help your child feel more comfortable and supported. For more information click here to see our All about autism page.
- Choose helpful sources
Look for information that focuses on reducing stressors and supporting strengths. Avoid approaches that aim to “fix” autistic behaviour or suppress natural differences. A neuro-affirmative approach respects your child’s unique ways of being and supports their wellbeing by promoting acceptance and inclusion. For more information see our resources pages: all about autism page and health and wellbeing resources page
- Behaviour is communication
If your child is showing distress through their behaviour, try to work out what might be causing it. They may not be able to explain it in words, especially when emotions are high. It’s often best to wait until they are calm before trying to talk. You could try a distraction to help take their mind off the immediate problem to see if that helps.
What might be going on underneath the behaviour?
- Masking
Some autistic children try hard to hide their distress in public or at school. They may appear to be coping, but once they’re in a safe space, they release their emotions. This is sometimes called the “coke bottle effect”.
- Meltdowns, shutdowns and burnout
When stress builds up, your child may experience:
- Meltdown – losing control emotionally, possibly shouting, crying, or lashing out
- Shutdown – withdrawing, becoming quiet, struggling to respond or interact
- Burnout – long-term exhaustion, losing interest in usual activities, struggling with everyday tasks
Learn more by clicking these links:
Click here to learn more about Masking.
Click here to learn more about Meltdowns and Shutdowns.
Click here to learn more about Burnouts.
Click here to learn more about coping strategies for Burnouts.
What can help
- Reduce demands
This includes social demands, verbal instructions, or expectations that feel too much. Give your child choices and allow breaks
- Adapt the sensory environment
Think about lighting, noise, smells, textures, and temperature. Your child may need headphones, dim lights, soft clothing, or quiet spaces
- Support internal regulation
Help your child notice and respond to their internal needs (interoception). Remind them to eat, drink, rest, use the toilet, and move in ways that feel good (e.g. jumping, flapping, walking)
- Routine and predictability
Autistic children often find unpredictability and change stressful. Whenever you can, keep to routines – and tell them in advance about any changes or new things happening. This gives them time to process and accept the information. Be prepared to support them with kindness when unexpected events happen
- Respect their need to recharge
Autistic children often need time alone or time to focus on their special interests. This helps them feel calm and happy
- Share what works
Once you learn what helps your child feel safe and regulated, share this with others – like school staff, family members or friends
Learn more about these here:
Click here to learn more about sensory processing.
Click here to learn more about hobbies and interests for autistic people.
Click here to view our education section of Autism Space.
Click here to learn more about stimming in autistic people.
Understanding emotions and communication
- Talk when your child is calm
Choose a time when there’s no pressure. This might be during a car journey, a walk, or at bedtime.
- Some autistic children struggle to use words
Encourage them to use other ways of communicating such as leading you, showing you, pointing, gesture, pictures, objects. Be patient – and check you’ve understood what they are trying to say.
If your child’s spoken language skills seem behind for their age, speak to your school or GP for advice.
Click this link for more information about children’s speech and language therapy service.
- Emotions can be hard to recognise and express
Many autistic children find it difficult to identify and talk about their feelings. You can help by:
- Observing patterns in behaviour over time
- Noting what happens before and after challenging behaviour
- Using visual tools like a “feelings wheel” to support emotional awareness
- Modelling how to talk about emotions (e.g. “I felt frustrated when the bus was late”)
- Work with school or college
Ask staff to observe and share notes with you. This can help identify triggers and useful strategies. See Communicating with your autistic child and their school
Watch out for common stressors
- Sensory stressors
These might include:
- Noises (loud, unexpected, or constant background sounds)
- Busy environments (supermarkets, shopping centres, birthday parties)
- Lighting (fluorescent lights, glare, reflections)
- Textures (clothing, bedding, food)
- Smells (strong or unfamiliar scents)
You can help by:
- Creating a quiet space
- Using ear defenders or noise-cancelling headphones
- Adjusting lighting and clothing
- Offering sensory soothing items like fidget toys or comfort blankets
- Social and communication stressors
Autistic children may find social interaction tiring or confusing. They may struggle with:
- Understanding jokes or indirect language (for example sarcasm or hints)
- Picking up social cues
- Knowing when to speak or how to join in
Support them by:
- Using clear, literal, direct, and simple language
- Avoiding idioms, hidden meanings, and hints – say exactly what you mean
- Keeping instructions short and breaking tasks into steps
- Checking understanding regularly
- Using visual or written reminders for important information
- Allowing time alone to recharge
- Helping them understand that communication is a shared responsibility
Supporting more than one child
If you have more than one autistic person in your household – or an autistic child and a toddler – their needs may sometimes clash. For example, one child’s meltdown might trigger sensory overload in another. You can help by:
- Creating quiet spaces for each child
- Using pop-up tents or cosy corners as safe spaces
- Planning ahead for stressful situations
- Helping each child understand and respect each other’s needs
Special interests and routines
- Special interests are important
Autistic children often have strong interests that bring joy, comfort and focus. These can help with emotional regulation and give them energy to cope with other challenges. Encourage and support these interests as much as possible.
- Predictability helps
Many autistic children feel safer when things are predictable. You can help by:
- Creating routines that work for your child
- Preparing them for changes in advance
- Using visual schedules and tools to support transitions
Learn more here:
Click here for more information about special interests for autistic people.
Click here for more information about preparing for change for autistic people.
Click here for more information about visual schedules for autistic people.
Click here for more information about executive functioning skills for autistic people.
Setting boundaries to protect your wellbeing and teach your child personal responsibility
You can’t control what your child does or doesn’t do — but you can decide what you will and won’t do in response. This is called setting boundaries.
Setting boundaries is not about telling someone else what they must do. It’s about being clear with yourself about what you will do if certain behaviours happen. For example:
- Instead of saying “Don’t shout at me,” you might say “If you shout at me, I will leave the room.”
- Instead of saying “Stop slamming doors,” you might say “If you slam the door, I will take a break outside.”
This helps protect your mental health and gives you a sense of control in difficult moments. It also models healthy emotional regulation for your child.
Only you can decide what boundaries feel right for you. You might find it helpful to explore this topic further.
Look after yourself too
Supporting an autistic child can be exhausting. It’s easy to focus so much on their needs that you forget your own. But your wellbeing matters. When you take care of yourself, you’re better able to support your child.
Try to make time for things that help you feel calm and happy. Even small moments can make a difference. You might find it helpful to:
- Make a list of things you enjoy
- Choose one or two to try each week
- Start small – even a short walk, a bath, or listening to music can help
You’re setting a great example for your child when they see you looking after your own wellbeing.
Click here for top tips for carers.
Summary
Challenging behaviour is often a sign that your child is feeling overwhelmed or unsafe. By learning about autism, reducing stressors, and supporting your child’s strengths, you can help them feel more regulated and understood. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach – it’s about meeting your child’s individual needs with patience, empathy and respect. And remember: your wellbeing matters too.
Click this link for a video about setting boundaries with your kids.
Click here to visit autistic speech and language therapist Emily Lees’ website.
